Silly memes

*This Post Intentionally Manipulative*

Left: This woman is 53. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables.

Right: This woman is 51. She is Nigellea Lawson, a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, and desserts.


A shot of a celebrity in a Survivor-style reality game show without her makeup, in the wilderness, side by side with a red carpet shot of a woman two years her junior and taken during a Bruno premiere in 2009 is cute but manipulative.
"The revolution will not be televised." - Gil Scott-Heron

Gil didn't have Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.

"Newt, the hospital staff says we can't serve your wife divorce papers when she's in the oncology ward."

Aww, you have to click it. Something stupid (maybe me) isn't allowing this animated GIF to be animated.

Happy "Fall Asleep in Public" Day!

It's February 28th. Happy "Fall Asleep in Public" Day!
Try not to do it behind the wheel of a moving car.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

Pretty soon, you're going to see another round of so-called "cryptic" statuses from attention-seekers pretending they're helping "raise awareness" for breast cancer by not mentioning a word about it. Like all of the other preceding Facebook memes, this one is a variation on a much older one. You may remember the forehead-slapping trend of people posting drink names as code for their relationship status about six months ago. This is more of the same.

Here's a handy guide to help you quickly navigate through the tedium.

Blueberry: I'm desperate for attention.
Pineapple: I think I'm Bohemian, but more likely I just don't pick up on social cues.
Raspberry: I'm easy.
Apple: I'm insufferable.
Cherry: I've got the attention I need right now, but I still want just a *little* bit more.
Banana: My life is boring. Maybe my spouse will comment on my status if I do this.
Avocado: I'm terribly insecure.
Strawberry: I'm desperate for attention, but I don't like the attention I get.
Lemon: I sure hope my significant other doesn't have a Facebook account.
Grape: I hate my last name.

There. Now go talk about breast cancer.

How Watson Could Have Been Defeated on Jeopardy

Happy National Tortilla Chip Day!

Take some time out of your busy day today to regard the humble tortilla chip. While there is some contention over where they originated, as they are traditionally made from corn, it seems most likely they were born in South and Central America.

For me, tortilla chips hold a particular distinction in that they were the very first thing ever snatched off my plate by my son as an infant. He acquired the taste early and has never wavered. To say Sebastian likes tortilla chips is akin to saying koalas like eucalyptus or Garfield likes pasta. Since the age of 1 ½, he's been shoveling them in his gob with the frenzy of John Henry laying down railroad tracks. He even dips them in the spiciest of salsas (and then spends the next five minutes sucking air through his clenched teeth dramatically).

Kaylee is fond of chips as well, but there is no comparison. I'm sure Jon Arbuckle likes lasagna, too (after all, who keeps baking these monstrosities for the morbidly obese cat?), but I digress.

My point is this is a day well suited for observance in the Burns house. The dog biscuits from yesterday weren't quite the hit they could have been.

Until tomorrow, gentle reader, have a Happy National Tortilla Chip Day!

Happy VD, everybody!

May that burning sensation of love stay with you for a long, long time and may you share that feeling with everyone you come into contact with today!

I thought it was topical since everyone else is itching to spread the VD message virally today.

Superstitious Wishes

So this morning, my six-year-old daughter asked me about speed limits. We were driving through a 40MPH zone and she asked me, "What would happen if you go faster than 40?"

"Hmm, well I might get a ticket, honey."

"So you can only go slower. Like... 35... or 20... or 5..."

"Well, if I go 5MPH, I'll probably get a ticket, too."

"But you can't go faster? Like 100... or 257 miles per hour?"

"No, I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon so close to a school zone."

There was a brief pause. Then, "I wish you would get a ticket, daddy."

That threw me for a loop. "What? Wait, why would you wish that?!"

"I thought about it for a second in my head that what if you did get a ticket and then I thought that would be bad so I didn't want you to get a ticket actually so then I said it out loud because you told me before that wishes don't come true if you say them out loud but only in your head so I decided that if I say it out loud then it won't ever come true and that's a good thing because I don't want you to get pulled over daddy."



Covering the Super Bowl commercials right now to get it out of the way so I can hang out with friends

Did you see the one with the funny dancing/talking/farting animal/baby/anthropomorphized object that did that awkward/poignant thing with that pop culture reference from your/my childhood? Hilarious!

Enjoy the game!

Happy Lame Duck Day!

On February 6, 1933, the 20th amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect to address presidential succession. So today is "Lame Duck Day." Oh yeah, and that Super Bowl thingy.So what is a lame duck and why does today commemorate this not-so-auspicious-sounding fowl? Lame Duck Day is observed for those whose tenure in a position is coming to an end. As such, the individual is likely to be seen as ineffective. (Also known around the office as "short-timers' syndrome.)

What about you? When the "writing's on the wall," does that modify your behavior? Are you likely to skate on through, putting forth little to no effort? Or are you determined to roll up your sleeves and redouble your efforts in the limited time you have remaining?

No judgment here, just curious how circumstances affect people differently. Are there mitigating factors that would impact how you respond to being shown the door?

At any rate, Happy Lame Duck Day. Cheers!

Dumb Stuff You'll Probably Be Seeing in the Next Couple Months or So...

For those who are Facebook-challenged and somehow can't figure out how to set their relationship status (Click on Profile, Edit Profile, Featured People, Relationship Status), you may be seeing one word posts of fruit as they bang their frustrated heads on their collective keyboards to let the world know their hookup patterns. 

Here's the "code" as it were.

Blueberry: I am single
Pineapple: It`s complicated
Raspberry: I am a touch and go woman
Apple: Engaged
Cherry: In a relationship
Banana: I am married
Avocado: I am the "other one"
Strawberry: Can't find the right one
Lemon: Wish I was single
Grape: wants to get married
There's a new, free frozen yogurt dispenser at work. I have successfully steered clear of it all day. #goodboy
Every time I hear the beginning or ending of "Such Great Heights", I always feel like I'm about to start playing Pocket Tanks.
Day 1 of PMP training: I wasn't first to raise my hand when the instructor asked that last question. I gotta keep my PMP hand loose.
Day 1 of PMP Training: Introduced myself to classmates as "Huggy Bear." Did not get reaction I'd hoped for...
Day 1 of PMP training. Instructor is eyeballing my big floppy purple and gold hat with what is either derision or untethered envy.
Airport speakers at curb pickup playing Tom Petty's "Waiting". Cold bastards.

Do Your Homework

Are you new to the web? Have you fallen behind? Or are you just looking for a significant time sink?

If you answered, "yes" to any of the above, it's time you checked out Greg Rutter's Definitive List of the 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced on the Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something

Oh, and if you find time after clicking all 99 of those things, give Greg Rutter's Second Definitive List of the 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced on the Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something a spin as well.

See you in a week or so. Don't forget to eat, drink, and bathe!